2011, ubud and a study on loneliness
2011 was the year of change for me. The year of understanding that change is necessary, it is imminent and that it must be embraced with openness and jubilation. There were three events in 2011 that I recall as moments of change or perhaps moments of personal miniature enlightenments. Three pivotal events that has compeled me to understand myself, hence understanding life, a bit deeper. The first was my second vipassana meditation retreat which I conducted with Rara this time.
As this was my second time conducting the vipassana meditation retreat I was already accustomed with the meditation technique and this helped me gain a head start in my meditation. Yet having a head start does not ease the actual practice of the meditation. By meditating we acknowledge and understand how hideous we are, and this is not easy due to the denial of our personal monstrosity. We see our hatred, anger, sadness, jealousy, envy, pride, we see all our wrongs, we see ourselves naked and transparent. We become ashamed of ourselves. And when there is shame, there is regret. Deep regret of the past.
Out of all the ugliness that I have re-found and re-understood as the result of my meditation, there was one aspect that I have truly come to grips with and that is loneliness. At the very last day of my meditation I understood, not just mere intellectually, but understood deep to the core of my being, my heart if you wish to say so, that we are all in fact alone. Deep down we know this, but we refuse to accept it or even acknowledge it.
Yes, you are probably now trying to refute this but i’m not just talking about physical loneliness. You might have friends, families, lovers, people to talk to, to laugh with, etc, etc. But if you take a closer look of yourself, if you dig deep within yourself, you will eventually come to the conclusion that yes we are undoubtedly egoistic beings. And if we are such a a horrendous being, then others too will more or less be the same.
And that was where I understood that although we might not seem alone, we are alone. Because the person we care the most is ourselves thus so too the others will be the same.
And the understanding of loneliness, breeds fear. Now it is this fear that I struggle with and have yet to accept fully. Furthermore this fear has somewhat grown due to another life changing event.
The sudden death of my father.
I have spoken much of my father’s death and I have nothing new to add perhaps other than I miss his physical presence oh so very much. My father’s death has been a very important lesson for me and I am grateful for the opportunity that has been given to me to experience this tragedy at a rather early age. For me, my father’s death has not merely brought tragedy and deep sorrow but it has brought understanding, to understand life and it’s impermanence, to understand death and the beauty of it. I can assure you that we can only understand the pain, the suffering and the significance of loss when one loses a person that one loves. The feel of longing which one has never felt before and only by death one can experience such a thing.
But if you understand that one day all lives will end, so you too must understand that all hearts will and must be broken.
My father died on September 11. Two months later I received a full scholarship to New Zealand to continue my master’s degree. Oh how surreal often life is. There was a range of emotions when I knew that I had been accepted. Joy came first but it was followed by sadness. I wanted to show to my dad that I had received a scholarship. I wanted him to give me a pat in the back and say ,”good job Ben.”
I just wanted to see him smile.
When i’m at my home at Bogor, I usually wake up at hours when the sun still sleeps and often the first thing that comes to my mind is, “papah kemana ya?” It is question that is then quickly answered by the realization that my dad is no longer here.

hi dad
I am sure, that if I conduct a third meditation retreat, my father’s death will be of top priority to deal with. Often when I meditate at home, I ponder over all of my achievements, including my recent scholarship and ask myself what use are these achievements? Have they contributed what so ever to the abolishment of my sorrow, my fears, my angers? Or have they just inflated my pride? Causing jealousy hence suffering to others?
We live in a society that stands upon achievements and we are extremely proud of it. There is more to life than this. Meditate on this I must.
Yet on the other hand, I am happy I did receive a scholarship to New Zealand, not only because this is a country where I always wanted to go to but because I love learning new things adding to this I also am being paid to learn. Who doesn’t want that? To be honest I don’t really care about my degree, I just want to meet new people and learn from them. Because by learning new things, we understand this world a bit better. Sri Ravi Shankar once said, “The question, ‘Who am I?’ leads to spirituality. The question, ‘What is this?’ leads to science.” A statement which is so very true.
With knowledge of oneself and of this world, we can help those that are in need of help.
I have chosen New Zealand because I seek more than just intellectually enriching myself, I still have this immense desire to dive deep within myself and I will use my time in New Zealand to do so. New Zealand has seen a tremendous growth in Buddhism and spirituality in it’s recent years and I plan to immerse myself spiritually as I have done so in Turkey back in 2010. There are four countries that I have always been keen in going to, Turkey, India, Bhutan and New Zealand. Fortunately back in 2010, me and Rara received a 2 months language scholarship to Turkey. And yes, my time spent in Turkey was a journey that widened and of course changed my views towards this world. It was more than what I had expected.

Istanbul, Turkey 2010
There was this one moment in Turkey, it was on the edge of the Turkish-Iran border, me and Rara was taken to a ruined castle up on the hills by our guide, Aslan. The timing was perfect, the sun was just about to set down, the colors of blue, red, and orange collided in the skies giving birth to the most perfect shade of purple my eyes has ever seen. Majestic, beautiful colors dancing in the sky accompanied by miles of green pasture on the horizon.
It was one of those magical evenings where I felt one with myself and with the world. And when you see yourself as a part of this universe, this grand cosmos, when you acknowledge it, when you embrace it, then we can understand how insignificant our problems are. How insignificant we are.
Turkey for me was more than just a learning opportunity but it was a journey to the depths of oneself. It was indeed a personal spiritual journey.
And the last event that helped me to understand my self and this world a bit more is my short trip to Bali at the end of 2011. Me and Rara stayed at Ubud, Bali for 8 days then we stayed at Denpasar for two days before going back to Bandung. At Ubud, we stayed at Rara’s cousin Gobind Vasdhev author of Happiness Inside and his wife mba Tika. I must say that they are an incredibly unique couple. Both are vegetarians, which eased me and Rara in finding food, both are also interested in spirituality, which also helped me and Rara get to know the spiritual side of Ubud.

vegetables and fruit juice for breakfast!

not really enticing at first glance, but nonetheless it is an extremely healthy breakfast
The first few days of my stay at Ubud, I had the urge to live there. I was intoxicated by the serenity and spirituality of Ubud. But a part of me understood that the reality of the future of Ubud, with uncontrolled development and the lack of awareness of the local population, this small city of spiritual paradise may end up becoming a paradise ruined by the onslaught of reckless tourism and globalization. Yet for the time being, Ubud is indeed one of my favorite cities in Indonesia. Vegetarian foods are abundant, fascination towards spirituality, alternative healing and all that new age gibberish is on every corner and I don’t know what but the atmosphere of Ubud is indeed comforting.

the streets of Ubud

on our way back to the city after having lunch at Sari Organik

bought new books!

Raw chocolate cake accompanied with fresh strawberry sauce. It’s so fucking good (mind my language) I can write a whole essay about how amazingly good this cake is.
But it wasn’t really Ubud that made my short trip to Bali spiritually meaningful. From the 30th of December to the 2nd of January me and Rara meditated at Brahmavihara Arama, a buddhist monastery located at Singaraja, north of Ubud. It was there where I met individuals keen towards understanding themselves. I met individuals that were able to see that the problems of this world are the result of the problems within oneself. They understood what I was searching for, I understood what they were searching for. Happiness from within.
Look inside, it is there where the reality lies.
We must understand that knowing the source of your problems do not make you a master of yourself but it opens the path towards mastering oneself.

the statue of the Buddha at Brahmavihara Arama.


One essential wisdom that I received during my short meditation at Brahmavihara Arama, thanks to pak Gede Prama my meditation guru at Brahmavihara Arama, it is that the ultimate spiritual journey is a personal journey. Every individual has different paths towards understanding his or her spirituality.
As finely said by Gobind Vasdhev, “agama adalah hubungan personal dengan yang ilahi. Jika ada 7 milyar orang di bumi maka ada 7 milyar agama di muka bumi ini.”
After finishing our meditation and we headed back south to Ubud, me and Rara stayed there for a couple more days at mas Gobind’s and mba Tika’s house, visited the Taman Safari and Marine Park at Gianyar and then we headed to Denpasar to stay at our friend Abigail.

lotus flowers are simply beautiful don’t you think?

Balinese clothes for sale at the Ubud market

Mas Gobind and mba Tika, thank you for letting us stay at your amazing home.

at Taman Safari and Marine Park Bali they are able to make paper from elephant poo.
We explored the opulence of Seminyak, played around at the beach where we met Ninies and her boyfriend Ridha, tried a few great restaurants, laughed a lot, did this and that. And then on our last day at Bali we went to famed the Potato Head before heading back to Bandung. Aesthetically speaking, Potato Head was nothing short of amazing, but as I sat down on the sofa that was positioned perfectly to appreciate the blue sea and the white clouds my amazement of Potato Head shifted to the natural scenery which seems my sofa was suppose to convey. I pondered on everything that I have experienced and learned in 2011 including my short trip to Bali.

at Potato Head

Thank you Abi, for letting us annoy you.haha
I realized that by the end of this month I will be continuing my studies to New Zealand and as I understood perfectly that the duration will not be short, the fear of loneliness and the fear of change crept slowly into my mind. Every single day we all change let alone two years. I will be leaving my family, my friends and of course Rara.
Being partially hypnotized by the sound of the pounding waves and the glaring afternoon sun and the constant assertion of my negative emotions, I forced my mind to observe its thoughts. Closing my eyes, focusing on my breath. Reassuring myself that a calm mind is a happy mind. With my mind steadily calming down, I then became fully aware that I still have much to learn and so thus I now am aware that I must always be a student.
I must always be a life-long learner.
Because as I separate myself from Rara I understand that new identities will emerge, new knowledge will be learnt, new wisdom will be obtained and new friction will come forth.
And all this will be inevitable.
Learn to understand this I must.


love you gurl.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. - Yoda.
oh btw I am sorry if I have not yet answered the questions in my inbox, they are incredibly hard to answer but they are very, very fascinating questions. I am simply astounded by your curiosity and will definitely answer them all later on.
metta.